I sing French in a TX accent

I listen to a CD in my car...almost daily...I don't understand the words but I sing my southeast TX version of a beautiful French lyric. I know I am probably saying something very seedy and totally inappropriate in my version because I am not pronouncing it right...but I don't care! My prayer is that there are no french speaking friends within ear shot! I listen and try to sing because it takes me away...away from the noise of the road and frustration of the traffic...it takes me deep within my dreams carried by my fantasies of France and Italy and all the beauties Europe has to offer. I'm sure some of my fantasies include a handsome, strong Italian man singing back to me...no doubt induced by my overabundance of watching musicals when I was young!

I like things that reach into my soul and transport it unto another time and place. I don't want people to talk to me while I'm at a movie or the theater and secretly living in this pretend world...it's irritating because it brings me back to reality...my reality! I am such a hopeless romantic...not only about the opposite sex but about life in general. I search for the beauty in a situation and believe fully in that picture.  It's not that my reality is bad by any means...it's just so much prettier through rose colored glasses.

What happens to a hopeless romantic when they start to loss hope...the worst thing!...they become a realist! haha! Seriously...I understand we have to be "real" about somethings but with the world we live in today it's pretty depressing to become a realist. I like to think my little version of being a spiritual person means that you believe in a higher power and therefore you no longer need to be a "realist" but you can be an optimist...or...the way I like to see it...a romantic!

I think it's so romantic the way God made the earth and all the beauties within for me! He even turned water into wine for me...one of my personal favorites! ;) I think it's romantic that there is even a language that sounds like French and Italian sound! The birds and the trees and the melodies! He is such a hopeless romantic for me! That's why I believe in the romance of this world...in the hope of it all.

somethings bubbling

This June I started a new journey, an adventure for sure! As I stepped out unto a new footing I promised myself one thing, that I would give in COMPLETELY to the process!  It has been many things and I have navigated strange and brute emotions. I have become in every way the person I never wanted to be - jaded, harsh, selfish, grumpy, hopeless and entitled. I still don't fully understand why I needed to become this person or all the lessons it is meant to teach me. One thing I know for sure is that it woke me up. It made me take a good hard look in the mirror and make a decision.

Do I want to be this person because of the things I have been through or do I want to rise above it all and become more. More full of grace and love. More selfless and hopeful. More unassuming and delighted. More of the things I see in others that take my breath away. More of who God desires me to be...less tarnished and more purified.

As I sit here, in my office in the sky, I know for sure that God already sees me like this. I'm already forgiven and purified and in the process of continually being forgiven and purified. The past is over - it's now up to me what I do with my present. With God's grace all of his dreams for me - things I had given up hope on - will come true. Not because I have a clear vision of what that statement means or because I am entitled to have them but because God is a good father and he loves his daughter.

I'm still on the journey...in the process, desperately seeking the adventures I was made for. I'm taking new steps everyday - new steps on my path - new steps in my life and it is so exciting and I am getting ready for something big! I am truly blessed!!!

Argentina!!!!

Argentina - the fragrance of your breath fills my nostrils as I await your kiss. Oh how I long for you and the family you hold ransom. You beautiful temptress. Your bosom is like a mothers to her child - I curl in your arms.

Your  face is creased with age and detailed beauty as our passion moves me we tango the night away. Distinguished poise hides the darkness in your heart and the dirt on your hands. You sleep while trash fills your streets and leaves you littered and lonely.

History leaves its mark deep in the eyes of your people. Raped and pillaged your left naked and hungry - dogs scavenge your lands. Yet when the sun shines through the trees it masks your depression and brings hope.  Hope carries the birds and holds children's laughter in the air. It blossoms on the trees and spreads excitement through the city.

Sweet people open your eyes - see the truth. Your undiscovered beauty is beckoning you to awaken your potential. Slumber no more.

You kissed me but once and I never recovered.  We are intertwined.  I can feel you now - your breeze leaves me prickled with excitement.  Our embrace is inevitable and our future promising!

Kind eyes

Distracted - a strange face appears in my window. Leathery skin, sweet smile, and kind eyes peered at me beyond the glass. Catching my gaze he mouthed - I'm hungry. Caught off guard, my response, "I have no cash."  His eyes never left mine, continually filled with kindness he said something that imprinted in my heart. "That's ok, I love you, God bless you."

As the engine moved me out of his world - mine instantly changed. Tears formed in the corners of my eyes - I realized - he is what I'm here for. In an instant I knew God wanted to take care of this man's basic needs through me. I couldn't have driven home even if I wanted to. He is my neighbor - my brother - my friend.

As I removed the glass that separated us and handed him his dinner a look of joy stretched across his face. "I bought you dinner!" - "Thank you, you're such a sweetie!". That was it...he was gone, but as I looked back, I saw a glimpse of him sharing what may have been his only food for the day - with his friend.

My drive home was completely different than I would have normally expected.  He showed me a physical example of what I have been wrestling with for weeks. He loved me - instantly - not because I gave him anything, but because we encountered each other. He possessed nothing of material value and gave me everything he had - love and blessings.

I have no capacity in my imagination for what it must be like to be "homeless". What road takes a person on that journey and what giant pits of despair must be along the way.  In what I would definitely consider a low point in his life - he, in the midst of his suffering, changed my life. He didn't feel sorry for himself or curse me for not feeling sorry for him.  And in the moment he received a gift he just as quickly shared it.

I want to be like him. If I were in his situation I'm not sure I would have responded the way he did. His soiled fingers reached inside my soul and touched me. Today he was my teacher and I his student.  Though I may never see him again his memory permantently resides in my mind.  He will never be forgotten.

- Peace

monster food

Walking in the room, chatter turns to silence. Eyes full of hate now wide with surprise - guilt flashes across the face. Hearts sink in the chest, now fully aware. There are two sides of this story, both equally painful. Everyone has experienced it at one time or another and everyone has been on both sides.

This is the scene that plays out when we are caught cursing another...and when we walk in on the curse. Gossip is bad enough - it happens - to everyone, but catching someone in the act is a knife to the soul. Why do we do this to one another? We even talk bad about the people we are closest to.

Are we so self-righteous that we think we know best - and because of this we must discuss how everyone is wrong, how wrong they are, are why we are so right? Is our monster of an ego so obese it continually hungers to be fed?

It's such a strange part of human nature. Puffed up, arrogant...mines better, prettier, cooler, more expensive.  I simply don't get it - I don't even understand this part of myself. If I were to understand this ugliness in me would I be able to control its destruction or would it unconsciously spew from my mouth like the vomit it is?

I want to understand - to become aware. Not only about this aspect of myself but everything that rots my insides. I will never be perfect but if I can prevent the murderous knife of gossip from being marked with my finger prints that's one less soul I cut.

-Peace

me...ranting!

If the loneliest man in the world had a voice - what would he say? If he cried - how many tears would we collect? If he was unlovable - would we love him? If he was untouchable - would our lives even stretch out a hand? If the addiction had overcome him - would we fight for him? Is his life worth it - or has he done too many wrongs? If he was me would it matter?

These are questions to myself...because I don't know the answer. I wish I did! It saddens my heart to know there are things in this world that can never be a part of my world. I guess I want to mend the broken hearts and heal all the pain, but that's not my job!

So many things are off limits to me as a woman...or at least it feels like it. I can't be friends with certain people because it could be harmful. One thing I am not afraid of is being hurt. I have been hurt a million times and will a million more before my time is up here! That's ok...it's just a part of a life that seeks to love. One thing I can't live with is putting my friends in a harmful situation!

That being said it still frustrates me. I am just a lowly student...I have so much to learn. I am listening and I want to grow...sometimes I just don't understand the journey! I'm not saying I have to, I'm just trying to be okay with not understanding!

-Peace

The heart my masterpiece...

This is a poem I came across that I wrote back in 2004...memories! Enjoy!

The Heart My Masterpiece

Still was the morning before all did awake,

Serene was the shape the land did take.

Earth’s breath brings life

And the world begins.

A spark, a light - out burns the sun

It was settled a new day begun.

A Glory amazing overtaking one’s sight

Breathless the response is but awe.

 Hearts are full of love and hate,

All things that cling and separate

Beauty is an existence,

Defining life and destiny

 Majesty responds:

“This sun holds not my eyes,

A new day takes not my breath away,

Yet the heart steals my gaze.

 The heart my masterpiece,

My Spirit filled with ease.

Glory lies in the blaze,

A heart found in its refining stage.

 I reside and plan my stay,

With my friend for always

All of me consumes that which is you,

Sealed together is this fait so true.

 You are mine yet we are one,

Separate can we never become.

Where one begins there is no end,

This heart of mine will always mend.”

 The eyes tell the story,

The soul reveals the flame,

The heart pumps my blood,

This existence is my fame.

 Glorify me always,

My choice has been made.

My heart now lit,

My love I’ll not forget.

-Smott

Physically Exhausted!

<SIGH>

That is what I do - unconsciously - I sigh. I sigh when I am exhausted in any way, be it: mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or lately physically. I don't even know I'm doing it - it's a little like talking to myself...which I, admittedly do! I prefer to think of it as "thinking out loud"! ha! I'm not crazy but I do chose some crazy paths for my life. I guess that's why I have been doing my best to step back and let someone else do the picking! Right now...I would much rather follow than lead! So...here we go!

Recently I ran a mud run with my dad, uncle, step-brother, and best friend. Until a few months ago I had no idea what a mud run was, but I agreed to running it! Let me tell you - this is no joke! It is a 6 mile run, with 28 military style obstacles along the way - most of which are preformed in the mud...all while wearing cargo pants and boots. Sooooo....maybe this wasn't my sanest moment!

The morning of the run I was so excited! I wasn't nervous at all...ignorance is bliss! My team (the mud bugz), and I started the race on the sand portion of a Thoroughbred race track. A mile and some change later were entering into our first obstacle. As I ran my muscles felt strong, but something started to happen in my head. No...it wasn't the mental aspect of the race...it was my nemeses - allergies! It slipped my mind that my severe allergy to hay might flare up on a horse track! I only THOUGHT this was going to be a challenge!!!!

As I rounded the corner to the obstacle and jumped into the muddy pit I realized another surprise waited for me...5lbs of water my pants soaked up in each leg. Really....REALLY! I'm not saying I didn't think this was going to happen...I'm just saying there is a big difference between - thinking about something and that thing becoming a reality!

My body is soaked from water, sweat and newly flowing sinuses. Luckily I had an amazing support system pushing and pulling me through. Never once did they say a negative word - always encouragement to lift me up and carry me.

The closer to the end of the race the harder the obstacles became. My least favorite used the last remaining reservoir of strength in my upper body. It was two stories high and left my arms bruised and brushed with broken blood vessels. If I would have given up or fallen from lack of strength there was no one there to save me. I was on my own. As I crested the top and descended to the glorious ground my eyes were wet with exhaustion. Blinking back the tears my body was done, but the race wasn't.

Eventually we were back on the sandy path, the end in sight. My team would set tiny goals, "let's run to that cone or this sign". We pushed and pushed never giving up! Finally we were running, muddy soles over the finish line. We fought the fight...we ran the race...and we made it to the goal!

It's eerie how similar my life is to this race. Often I am full of bliss and ignorance for the path that lies ahead of me. I start running and realize this wasn't what I had signed up for...I stumble and need assistance. Sometimes left to conquer on my own. The lessons I learned from that race and the one of my life are worth all the pain and agony endured! Not only did I go beyond what I thought I was capable of but I also bonded with people in the midst of all of it!

These lessons leave me to ponder if this is what our race is all about. It's not always pretty and my race - even though we are running side by side - is not the same as yours! It might not be hard for you this time around, but I will be here when you need to lean on me!

I am bound to my bed for the time being. Blasted with illness - an ear infection in both ears - I have been put down! This race did me in, yet I will recover and in the end...I won!

-Peace

P.S. As I looked at these pictures a huge smile stretches across my face! We did it! The hard part is over and only the beautiful memories remain!

A speck

As I sit on my tiny piece of the universe, I feel gravity pulling me down. I am but a speck. How is it that my life has any meaning in the vastness that we live in?  The crazy thing is that it matters. I matter. I may not matter to you or even know you, but at the end of the day I matter to someone. The people closest to me would say that they could not bare to think of life without me in it. So, I, this blond hair, blue eyed, 5'6", 28 year old woman matter.

I was never asked by God what I should look like or what my personality should be. I can't take credit for any of the things that I had nothing to do with.  I do, on the other hand, have a responsibility to the type of person I would like to become.

I have navigated many roads in my 28 years. Some of these journeys have been of self-discover - unsure of what it is that I stood for I soaked up perspective and life from others. The particular journey that I am on in this very moment, I believe, is of self-awareness. I am finally becoming aware of the woman I am called to be and deeply desire to be.

Stepping into this role is still very much about the people around me. I am no longer timid about what I believe or who I want to be, but who I become is greatly affected by the world around me.

So as I sit - a speck - I am fully aware of how insignificant and significant I am. 

-Peace

My love

My hand clinches yours, childlike joy stretched across my face, the wind is in my hair and your face is all I see. In the eye of the hurricane, where peace is found, I spin with you - like too children playing a game. Chaos surrounds us, yet with my trust in you I see none of it. My eyes lost in the love of yours. Our grip is the only thing keeping us from falling into the storms path. We spin and laugh, dancing to the music of our love! I am anchored to you, my compass pointing due north.

This is my vision, the one God gave me years ago for our relationship.  It is beautiful and breathtaking that he would show me how he wants me to see our exchange!

I am reminded of this vision when I am facing a storm in my life! He is my retreat! When I remember to focus on his eyes and remember his grip, fear vanishes. I will take refuge in him!

-Peace

Lessons Learned

As I ponder on my life, at the end of each day, and the lessons I have learned, it does not take long to figure out the featured theme of this past week.  Humility chases me around every corner, hoping to grab a hold and become part of the cloth that I wear! Humility...sigh!...that's a hard lesson to learn!  At the close of this week, I am painfully aware of how imperfect I am.  Thank you for loving me enough to try and teach my stubborn heart!

My life has entered into an interesting season. Yesterday I learned that it's in the deepest times of humility that our story becomes more beautiful. The problem with humility is that, it usually comes in times of deep despair where our futures are uncertain. My future is uncertain in the truest meaning of the word! There is no map or outline to my destination. I am simply led, hand in hand, with my creator. One step after the other, I proceed with faith as my guide.

So...in my time of reflection there are some clear lessons that I learned this week. 

First of all, It is direly important that I learn to, "let it go".  I believe when I embrace this concept and let go of all the things I believe are "mine", God will have the opportunity to show me what he has for me!

Secondly, when loneliness calls after me, my response is love. When we love and are covered by love, loneliness has no air to breath.

Thirdly, as I walk through life, I can be certain that God will rain down unexpected gifts. Gifts are always good, but aren't always wrapped in the prettiest packages!  I believe we are taught by the hurt and abandonment of this world. There is always an abundance of love waiting to be poured over our broken souls!

Fourthly, we cannot do this alone. We need each other...we need to recognize we are in this together. Until I see you as my brother, I am blind to the truths of love.

Fifthly, Every good gift we see does not necessarily belong to us. As children of this world we are taught that when something is good we should have it! As children of the one true God we are taught somethings are not meant for us. We can appreciate the good without taking possession of it! If I see a "good" man but he is married he is not mine to possess or desire. The same goes with most things on this earth. If I understand this concept, disappointment will knock on my door a lot less often!

Lastly, all of these lessons are shown to me to bring humility. My pride stands in the way of my destiny!  The woman that I desire to be cannot exist where pride lives. I humbly admit that all that I am has nothing to do with me, but everything to do with who you want me to be. I pray that my life brings glory to your name! Use me, your humble servant!

-Peace

We are in this together!

"Listen carefully, those of you making your plans and promoting your agenda...The reality is you have no idea where your life will take you tomorrow. You are like a mist that appears one moment and then vanishes another. It would be best to say, "If it is the Lord's will and we live long enough, we hope to do this project of pursue that dream." But your current speech indicates an arrogance that does not acknowledge the One who controls the universe, and this kind of big-talking is the epitome of evil. So, if you know the right way to live, and you ignore it, it is sinning plain and simple." - James 4:13-17 (the voice)

There's a since of community missing in the world today. We stomp by one another with heads held high and a strong stench of arrogance blossoms in the air.  We yell with our actions, "I don't need you"!  Self-sufficient, self-serving, self-fulfilling - our lives wither and vanish and no one notices. We hide behind the walls of accomplishment and entitlement.

When tragedy strikes we take off our masks and step out from behind our walls for a brief second. United in community our hearts beat as one and then it fades.

What would it look like if we all truly realized the truth of James 4:13-17. If I believed this could be my last second on this earth...would I need you? Would I look into your eyes and realize you have a soul? Would we breath as one - brothers and sisters residing together on this earth? Isn't it enough that we are here together? Shouldn't that be enough to care?

When I pass you on the street I want to see you! Regardless if you are rich or poor, young or old, nice or rude. I want to love you because we are here together.  You may be my last encounter, my last chance to share a smile. I won't judge you because we aren't the same.  I will love you because we are alive and that, in and of itself, is beautiful!

-Peace

An Unexpected Gift II

"My dearly loved brothers and sisters, don't be misled. When you receive a good gift, a perfect gift, an unexpected gift, do not be surprised. It comes to us courtesy of the Father of lights. But remember this: He is not one to trick you or hide in the shadows. He is consistently good and does not change. Remember, too, that we have a special role in His plan. He calls us to life by His message of truth so that we will show the rest of His creatures His goodness and love." - James 1:16-18 (the voice)

I am humbled in the deepest, truest way. I do not deserve or expect the unbelievable gifts God has given me. Last night I was crippled by lies. My soul sunken deep in my chest and my self worth brushed beyond recognition. I was tricked into believing that someone I truly care about not only did not care for me, but never truly had. I bought into the deception...at each moment trying to convince myself otherwise.

My first love and constant companion came swooping down like a shining white knight to rescue me from my despair.  The words of truth and love poured over me cleansing my broken soul. I cried tears of joy and relief, like a new mother seeing her precious baby for the first time. My hot tears cleansed the blindness from my eyes and released me from the lies. I am loved! I am beautiful! I am special! I am worthwhile! I am a gift!

My night did not have to end this way, it could have ended in tears of a totally different sort.  Instead, truth wrapped me in it's loving arms and carried me home.  I did nothing to deserve anything better than the worst but I received the best!  Once again I am saved from my own destructive nature.

The love I felt that night is nothing of this world. Heaven kissed my lips with a "sloppy wet kiss" from a Father that never lets me down!  My life belongs to Him...my soul longs to be home in His arms. Until my final day He deserves all the glory my feeble life has to give.

-Peace

An unexpected gift

Today as I literally fly through my day I, at moments, experience a pang of loneliness. My logic tells me to, "let it go", my emotions tell me, "it's hopeless" and my dreams tell me, "it's not always gonna be like this."

It just so happens that this time my response released great joy into my life. As I put pen to paper expressing my love to someone dear to my heart my loneliness vanished. Frost melted from my veins, pumping love instead of disappointment.

This time giving part of myself away filled a void instead of causing one. Is this the answer - giving love without expectation? What does it look like to give your life like it's not your own? Whatever it looks like I want it. I want it to stream from me enveloping those around me.

I know that loneliness still resides in the crevices of my life. What I am certain of today is that the more I give the more love washes the loneliness away every time it reappears. So today I give you a piece of myself without expectation, believing that love will touch your heart through these words.

-Peace

"Let it go"

It was 3am and I heard a ringing in the back of my mind. Three times it rang then a sleepy familiar voice sounded in my ear. "Hello, hello, hello is anyone there?" It took me a second to respond, "hello". I heard a sigh and then a "let it go, dude - sorry it's not you...I'm just frustrated!" Then silence -

The next thing I know I'm wide awake. I look around my room....what just happened.  I check my phone, it's on the charger - no calls made. Was this literally a wake up call?

As I lay in my bed pondering what life/God was trying to tell me the shadows began to fade and the sun rose to show clearly the truth I had been missing for far too long.

I was holding on, holding on to so many things that weren't mine, living with a sense of entitlement. Every time I gave a piece of myself away I subconsciously decided I was owed something in return.  The truth I learned last night was it's time to let it go. Let go of everything and everyone that I was holding ransom. In my heart there lived a list of hurt and pain I would occasionally bring to the surface to ensure my unhappiness.

The voice called out to me tired and gruff - let it go. The words continued to repeat in my head - haunting me.  Let it go, let it go, let it go! A whisper nudging at my heart - my life - my soul, with deep desire to be set free.

Today is my breakthrough. A footstep set firmly on my path of healing. Everything is dust. This world has taught me, it's diligent student, that I can "have" and "control". Everything I "have" has simply been loaned to me. When I die I will "have" nothing and everything I "control" will become dust.

So, as I am painfully aware of this giant human flaw I have a choice - ignore the truth or begin the harsh naked process of letting it go.

This is my journey - a challenge to walk in the light of truth. I am here to plant seeds of love and forgiveness and in it's due season to reap a plentiful harvest of peace.

Welcome to the peace grove.